


Assault on Asgardia

by HelgaHeason



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack and Angst, Help, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, Inappropriate Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 10,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18641233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelgaHeason/pseuds/HelgaHeason
Summary: Gods, apocalypses, SHIELD, Avengers, oh my!Loki and his merry men live a (somewhat) normal life in Asgardia - until everything goes to hell and back. Literally everyone joins in trying to stop Ragnarök, and Loki swans off to Midgard with a few other friends.Or: I wrote this four years ago and somehow predicted part of how Thor: Ragnarök would happenOr #2: This is all crack, but I’m really proud of Nordic and BrettThis fic will not be completed, I am uploading up to where I finished writing.





	1. Into the Frost

**Author's Note:**

> Brace yourselves for a load of badly-written crack that I wrote 4 years ago, when I was just starting to write fanfiction.  
> It’s still really funny though, so it has that going for it.

Heimdall watched over the Nine Realms, observing, and noting. He'd soon found his perfect work jam (Fall Out Boy's "Centuries"), when Thor walked in the observatory, breaking the frosty silence of the cold November morning. He was the first visitor Heimdall had actually had in about three months.  
"Good morning, Heimdall." Thor said, in his Australian-British accent.  
"Good morning." Heimdall replied. He wondered how long it would be before Thor asked if he could see Jane.  
"Can you see her?" Thor asked.  
Heimdall's face drooped. For once, he was glad not much of his face could be seen, thanks to his helmet.  
"Yes." He replied. "She's in the sha -- oooohhh..."  
Thor abruptly gave Heimdall a whack on the helmet with Mjollnir, his hammer. Heimdall didn't even flinch.  
"Stop perving on my lady friend, dude!" Thor said, then turned around, and walked out to where Loki and the Warriors Three (and Sif, with her massive sword) were waiting for him.

After teleporting into Jotunheim (Loki had to bribe, persuade, coax, and eventually trick Heimdall into letting them go), the group immediately set about slaying as many Frost Giants as they could find. Thor lobbed Mjollnir at a Frost Beast, and it went straight through the beast's head and flew back to Thor's hand.  
"OK..." Loki said, wincing and looking slightly nauseous. "That's just a little gross."  
Fandral, who had been back at the mead again, went over to the beast's body, and sniffed the hole in its head.  
"Smells like fish." He said.  
Behind Thor, Loki's face turned a pale green. Sif snorted, and stabbed a Frost Giant in the stomach.  
"Look lively, brother!" Thor boomed, seeing Loki's pale green face.  
"I would... But I think my stomach may fail me..." Loki said, slowly.  
"Look out! Fire in the hole! Chocks away! He's going to blow!" Fandral shouted in the background, still sniffing the Frost Beast's body.  
Hogun sighed.  
"I told him not to go near the mead..." He said, hanging his head and looking at the floor.


	2. Back to Jotunheim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to not put summaries, because these chapters are too short and crackish to warrant summaries.

Despite Loki nearly vomiting, and Fandral still yelling "Chocks away! He's going to blow!", the group made it back to Asgardia in one piece. Lorelei came to meet Loki shortly after he arrived, still pale green.  
"I see you've been to Jotunheim again?" Lorelei asked Loki.  
"Yeah... What gave you that idea...?" Loki said, slowly, still feeling nauseous.  
Heimdall laughed to himself, and Thor walked over to Loki. He put a hand on Loki's armoured left shoulder, and patted it awkwardly.  
"What say we try again? The valour of battle is crying your name, brother!" He boomed.  
Lorelei and Loki winced.  
"Right in the ear drums..." Loki grimaced. "And... Fine. If I must."  
Lorelei groaned.  
"Fine, I'll come." She said, doing a perfect imitation of Loki. Loki scowled.

A few minutes later, back in Jotunheim for the second time in about ten minutes, Lorelei was clearly showing she was much more than just a label, by knocking out several Frost Giants, with her lethal kiss. Well, lethal to Frost Giants, anyway.  
"CHOCKS AWAY!" Fandral (who seemed to be permanently drunk) yelled. This time, everyone but Hogun ignored him. Hogun slapped him in the face.  
Thor threw Mjollnir again, and the thing Loki had been most dreading once again returned to their adventure - the hammer went straight through a Frost Beast's head and back to Thor's hand. Lorelei covered her mouth and vomited behind a rock.  
"Ewwwww..." She said, and then saw Loki had just done the same as her.  
Loki, after washing himself down with a bit of ice lying around in Jotunheim, went up to Thor, and punched him in the face. Thor consequently dropped Mjollnir.  
"Yyaaaaayayayyaya!" Fandral cheered. Surprisingly, Sif, Hogun, and Lorelei joined in.   
"That was for making me vomit!" Loki said, before walking to stand next to Lorelei and Sif once again.  
Suddenly, Vision appeared, picked up Mjollnir, and disappeared again.  
"Oh god. Don't tell father." Loki said, very quickly.  
"I'm telling father." Thor replied, in an instant.  
"But he just gave me back my teleportation!" Loki replied, knowing all the while that it wouldn't work.  
The group headed off to where they'd teleported in, and while waiting for Heimdall to teleport them back, Fandral decided it would be a good idea to have a funeral for the dead Frost Beast.  
"Dearly departed we are gathered here to -- hyuk!" He managed to say, before being teleported back to Asgardia.


	3. Sister Knows Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extremely short chapter incoming

The scene in Asgardia couldn't be more different when Thor and company arrived. A furious Amora was questioning Heimdall on Lorelei's whereabouts - and then went straight up and slapped her younger sister when she saw her arrive. Loki gasped, and Lorelei rubbed her cheek, scowling at Amora.  
"And what was that for?" Heimdall asked, looking over at Amora.  
"She was down in Jotunheim... And I don't want to know what she was doing!" Amora shrieked.  
"Mostly vomiting." Lorelei said, still rubbing her cheek.  
Thor's party nodded. Loki still looked shocked.  
"Ahhhh, she was at the mead!" Fandral boomed, belching, and nearly falling over.  
"The only person who's been at the mead is you!" Hogun sighed.   
"That 'you' being directed at Fandral, of course, who appears to be permanently stoned, I hasten to add." Loki very quickly added.  
Amora didn't look entirely convinced, but let Lorelei go anyway.  
"Ahhh, young blood..." Heimdall said, with a small smile playing on his face.  
Loki looked at Heimdall, and gave him a small grin, while everyone else just looked confused.


	4. Tension In Asgardia

With Lorelei slapped and Amora seemingly suitably satisfied, Asgardia returned to normal. Or what passed as normal. November dragged on without anything too significant happening, and Thor was beginning to become a little restless. Loki was perfectly happy staying in Asgardia, watching a few small battles in Svartlfheim go down (with no apparent fatalities or casualties), and Sif and Hogun spent endless frosty days training. Training for the imminent clash of clans. For the battle of legends. For something Loki very much enjoyed.

It was definitely cold on the frosty morning of December 5th. Loki was, as per usual, "training" (irritating the living, freezing daylights out of Lorelei), in one of Asgardia's battle arenas. As soon as Loki heard that loud boom of thunder, his face fell.  
"Oh dear." Lorelei said, limply.  
Thor walked in the door, and clapped Loki's shoulder awkwardly, but no less hard than usual.   
"Father has taken pity on you, brother." He started.  
"Mmhm..." Loki replied, completely indifferent. At that point, he really didn't care what Odin did or didn't do. All he wanted was for Thor to shut up about him.  
"But he is still very unimpressed." Thor continued.  
"Oh, the shame." Loki said, dully.  
"And you would be dead, had mother not stepped in." Thor finished.  
At this, Loki turned to face Thor. Lorelei, obviously sensing Loki was about to slap Thor, ran over, and struggled to restrain the mischief god (who actually wasn't going to touch Thor at all).  
"When am I not supposed to be dead?" Loki said, with a grim grin.


	5. An Avenger?

Lorelei rather hesitantly let go of Loki, who stepped back a few paces from Thor. There was a deathly silence in the training arena for a very long period. Eventually, Loki picked up his staff, and walked off, back into the Aesir palace.  
"Good job." Lorelei said, watching the retreating Loki.  
"Why thank you." Thor responded.

Upon reaching the Aesir palace, Loki noticed something strange. It wasn't him... What was it? He turned around, and looked in a mirror. His greyish blue eyes looked back at him dully. A small tear fell from one of them. Loki's gaze turned to the floor. Suddenly, he heard a cough behind him. Turning around once more, he saw Sif standing several feet away from him.  
"Yes?" He asked, quickly wiping away the tear that had been gently stroking his cheek.  
"Someone wishes to see you." Sif said, fidgeting.  
"Right. Of course." Loki said, walking off into the main hall. "Thank you, Sif."  
Sif watched him leave.  
"I wonder what he's been taking..." She said to herself.

Loki stopped abruptly. This was the main hall, alright. But who should be standing there, waiting for him, other than --  
"Tony Stark..." Loki growled, walking in a circle around the man.  
"Loki." Tony said, circling Loki. "Care for a drink?"


	6. Mischief Managed

"No..." Loki said, still circling Tony.  
Tony smiled.  
"Shame. Really good drinks here." He said, looking around him, and still circling Loki.  
"Why are you here, Stark?" Loki asked, raising his staff.  
"Woah, OK, before you try and mind-rape me, I'm not after any of your stuff." Tony gibbered, sticking his hands up in an 'I surrender' move.  
"Why... Are... You... Here?" Loki growled.  
A young woman with red hair and a tight fitting black bodysuit stepped out from the shadows.  
"Leave the asshat alone, Loki." She said.  
"Ah, Natasha Romanoff." Loki said, slowly, and facing the woman (staff still raised at Tony).  
"I am not an asshat!" Tony protested, indignantly.  
"Yes you are." Natasha said, dismissively.  
Tony rolled his eyes.  
"Loki." Natasha said, turning back to Loki.  
Loki gave her a small grin.  
"Still cleaning the red from your ledger?" He asked.  
With that, Natasha slapped him in the face, flipped, landed on his shoulders, and pinned him to the floor. He looked confused more than anything else.  
"Get him!" Natasha cried.  
An arrow came from out of nowhere and hit Loki in the neck. He managed to say 'what the', before passing out. Natasha rolled off the unconscious and rather limp Loki.  
"Thanks, Clint." She said, nodding at a man with brown hair, who had also just stepped out of the shadows. He nodded.  
"I say we torture him." Tony began.  
"How?" Clint asked.  
"By making him watch my graduation." Tony said, triumphantly.  
"No." Natasha said. "Just... No."  
"Nobody wants to see that." Clint grinned.  
Tony sighed, then grabbed one of Loki's legs and pulled. 

Half an hour later, Tony had succeeded in moving Loki about a metre.  
"Maybe we should just get a Quinjet?" Clint asked Natasha.  
"Already called one." Natasha replied.


	7. In Captivity

Opening his eyes with all the hesitance of a more stoned than usual Fandral, Loki found himself in a large, glass cage. He sighed to himself, then got to his feet, and turned around, to see Tony standing in front of the glass, outside of the cage.  
"STARK!" Loki growled, lunging for Tony.  
What Loki hadn't yet realised, was that he was in a glass cage. He lunged at Tony - and smacked straight into the glass. Tony snickered as Loki got to his feet once more, looking a little dizzy.  
"You son of treachery! What is this?" Loki howled, more confused, lost, and sad than anything else.  
"It's a glass cage." Tony said, helpfully.  
Loki rolled his eyes.  
"Yes, I can see that." He said, impatiently.  
Tony snickered.  
"You didn't, about thirty seconds ago." He laughed.  
Loki growled.  
"OK, OK... It's a glass cage, meant to hold Hulk... Buuuuttt, we decided to put you in it instead." Tony explained, very quickly.  
"Why me?" Loki growled.  
"Because we're leading an assault on Asgard... To find the other Infinity Gauntlet... Before Thanos does." Tony explained, saying it very slowly, as if talking to a 4 year old.  
"Why put me in here when you're assaulting Asgardia?" Loki growled, once more.  
"Because we know you'll try and help them, trickster. Now, excuse me, while I go polish my suits, reboot J.A.R.V.I.S, and take a break in the jacuzzi." Tony smiled, then walked off.  
Loki was alone for what felt like an eternity, and facing away from the walkway outside the glass, gazing at his dull, bleak, grey surroundings. He suddenly heard a cough behind him. Turning around, slowly, he saw, to his dismay - another Avenger.  
"Hi." Clint said, waving slightly.  
"What do you want?" Loki replied, fiddling with his shoulder armour strap.  
"I came to keep you company. Fancy a game of Word Association?" Clint asked, innocently.  
Loki sighed.  
"If I must." He replied.  
"OK. Space." Clint started.  
"Everywhere." Loki replied, dully.  
"Huge."   
"Thor's muscles."  
"Abs."  
"Something I never have, and never will have."  
"Pessimism."  
"The meaning of life."  
"42."  
"What in Hel's name are you on about?"

Meanwhile, in Asgardia, Thor stood on the balcony of the Aesir palace, and gently wept for the brother he believed dead. Sif had tried to comfort him, as had Hogun, Lorelei, Amora and Heimdall (Fandral had 'tried', but to no avail). Eventually, Kid Loki came to see Thor.  
"No, young trickster." Thor groaned, when he saw Kid Loki appear.  
"Awww... But I thought you liked killing Frost Beasts?" Kid Loki attempted.  
Thor just sank onto the balcony railings, still mourning for Loki, who was by now quite enjoying himself, in the glass cage of the Helicarrier.


	8. Truth Among Lies

"Hmmm..." Clint said, thinking. "T-Rex."  
"Dinosaur." Loki replied.  
"Very blunt response."  
"What Fury usually does to annoy people."  
"Slurps milkshakes really loudly."  
"Ear splitting."  
"Seagull mating cry."  
An awkward silence rained down upon Loki and Clint as Nick Fury walked in, Natasha trotting rather obediently behind him.  
"Barton, you're needed in Asgard." Fury said, keeping his good eye on Loki.  
"But... But..." Clint protested.  
"Asgard. Now." Fury put his foot down, and firmly.  
If Clint had dog ears, they'd be limply drooping next to his head. He trudged off.  
"Romanoff, eyes on the trickster. He makes any sudden moves, call me." Fury said.  
"Yes, sir..." Natasha replied, slowly.  
"Good." Fury barked, walking out of the detention centre.

It was a stale few hours, until Natasha finally spoke.  
"I don't know why they've put you in here. You... For once, you haven't actually done anything wrong." She said, sounding sad.  
"I'm in here, so I don't get in the way when they assault Asgardia." Loki replied, gloomily, without looking up.  
"They... They what?!" Natasha gasped, horrified. "I said I'd help them subdue you, not take over Asgard!"  
Loki stayed silent.  
"There's a difference." Natasha added, unnecessarily.  
Loki moved slightly. Another hour passed, with neither of them speaking a word.

"Heimdall, don't be difficult." Tony sighed, at the Bifröst entrance.  
"You're not of this world. Retreat, or you will be retreated." Heimdall repeated, for the fiftieth time.  
All of a sudden, Tony was flung against the wall.  
"What in Hel's name have you done with Loki?"


	9. Attack The Ego

Tony slowly slid down the wall, landing on the hard, cold metal floor of the observatory, his suit squeaking against the wall as he slid down it. He looked up into the enraged, battle ready face of Lorelei.  
"Oh, dear lord, please, no..." Tony muttered.  
Sif whacked him hard into the opposite wall.  
"Where is Loki?" Lorelei cried.  
A bruised Tony wearily lifted his head to look at Lorelei and the approaching Sif.  
"He's... He's... --" Tony started, before being pinned against the wall by Sif.  
"Tony Starkson, Asgardia is not your plaything. You may rule all the women that worship you on Midgard, but Asgardia is far from similar." Sif warned him, keeping tight hold of him.  
Tony now looked quite terrified.  
"What is it about Loki that you so desperately want? Don't tell me it's his -- ahhoww!" He began, before being slapped (by a slightly miffed Heimdall).  
"So what if it is?" Lorelei said, smirking slightly. "What have you done with him?"  
Tony looked slightly shocked.  
"He's in the Helicarrier detention centre." He said, quickly. Almost immediately, Sif let him go.  
"Why?" Lorelei asked him, taking care of his more serious injuries.  
"Because... Thanos is after your Infinity Gauntlet..." Tony began, trailing off when he saw Natasha arrive.  
Lorelei turned to look at Natasha.  
"What business do you have here?" She snapped.  
"I'm not here to attack you." Natasha smiled, putting her hands up.  
Lorelei relaxed a little.  
"Tony's keeping Loki in the Helicarrier because he feels Loki would be a threat when he assaults Asgard." Natasha answered. "There's your honest truth."  
Lorelei's eyes widened.  
"He what?!" Heimdall gasped.  
Natasha's apologetic yet somewhat relieved eyes were all that Tony saw before blacking out.


	10. Welcome To Eternity

Loki twiddled his thumbs for a while, down in the Helicarrier detention centre. He didn't like being alone. Any company would have been nice, even Fury. Even Stark would have been nice. He sat against the wall of the glass cage for a few hours, listening to the low hum of the Helicarrier's powerful engines.

"Why'd you knock him out?" Sif asked, bewildered, staring at Tony's unconscious body.  
Lorelei sighed.  
"Because he did the same to Loki. I will not rest until I have vengeance for Loki, and until Asgardia is no longer under threat from either this idiot here, or Thanos." She growled.  
Sif made a face, but then nodded.  
"Until Asgardia ends... Well spoken." She said, eventually.

Loki jolted awake with a start. Something had moved outside the detention centre. It was perfectly plausible that it could have been the engines getting stuck, although Loki knew it was a person. Walking very loudly. He tried to console himself with the thought that they were going to find Fury, but to no avail. He had to admit that he was scared. After an eternity of waiting, a young woman with brownish hair, green eyes, and an Aesir like bodysuit, crossed with that of S.H.I.E.L.D's lower rank member bodysuits, stepped into the detention centre, and walked in front of the glass cage.  
"Who are you?" Loki gabbled, scared, yet intrigued as well.  
The woman smiled, and put a finger to her lips. Loki calmed down.  
"My name is Thalia. And I'm here to get you back to Asgardia."


	11. Back By Nightfall

"How do you break the glass?" Thalia asked, staring at the glass cage.  
"I'd rather you didn't." Loki responded.  
Thalia looked confused.  
"Whyever not?" She asked.  
"Because if you so much as crack it, there's a 500,000 foot drop." Loki answered, gloomily.  
"Ah." Thalia said, stepping back from the glass. "There has to be some way out..."

Sif finally entered the main hall, making up the final member of the Aesir Assault Squad, Strike Team Alpha.   
"Thalia's down in Midgard, attempting to free Loki. If she isn't back by sundown, we need another valiant soul to go in search of her and Loki..." Lorelei began.  
A hand shot up. The crowd parted to reveal a lady with pure white hair and an Aesir bodysuit on.  
"Lady Nótt?" Lorelei asked. "Well, let's hope you do like your name and be back while it is still night."

"Aha!" Thalia squeaked, triumphantly.   
She held up a key card, stolen from a male, quite burly S.H.I.E.L.D agent, who'd been foolish enough to call her 'pretty'. The key card fit the socket, and the glass door hissed back. Loki stuck his head out of the doorway, making sure he could step out of the cell, and eventually, with Thalia's help, walked out of the glass cage.  
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Thalia smiled.  
Loki gave her a small glare, and they set off, to find the lift to the main deck.

Night fell in Asgardia, and there was no sign of Loki or Thalia. Lorelei, now desperate, dispatched the way-too-keen Nótt to find the missing Aesir.  
"If she doesn't find them, we'll have to presume they're dead." Lorelei said to Sif, despairingly.  
"Wow... Did you wake up on the wrong side of bed this morning?" Sif asked.  
Lorelei's answer was drowned out by a loud yell of 'CHOCKS AWAY!'. Both Lorelei and Sif hung their heads, and Sif buried her face in her hands.  
"When will the Allfather let me kill him?" Sif asked, frustrated.


	12. Release The Doves

Several uncomfortable minutes later, Loki found himself stuck in a very small vent, crawling slowly behind Thalia.   
"How did we get here?" He asked.  
"Well, the agents were coming, and I tried to do a complex reversal of polarities between negative forces of impact, and eventual collapse of exoskeletons, but it failed, and so we ended up in a place where only wretches dare visit." Thalia responded.  
"Great Odin's raven..." Loki muttered. "What in Hel's name does that mean?"  
"In the simplest of terms, it means I have no clue how we got here, or where we are." Thalia replied, cheerily.  
Loki groaned, very loudly.

A young woman in a S.H.I.E.L.D bodysuit entered the detention centre, and stopped dead in front of Loki's empty glass cell.  
"Oh, man..." She whispered. "I am so fired."

"We have a Midgardian agent checking the cell... Her name is Tia, apparently. And she's gone. Coast is clear, Nótt." Lorelei said, back in Asgardia.  
"Yep!" Nótt said, happily, in New York.  
Nótt was doing the exact opposite of what she'd been told to do. Her orders were to act casual, like she was a Midgardian, and extract Lorelei and Loki with minimum fuss and no witnesses. What Nótt was actually doing was skipping through New York's streets in the dead of night, searching for the goliath Helicarrier, flying very very slowly about 500,000 feet above her.

"Do you have the faintest idea where we are?" Loki asked, after what felt like a century.  
There was a silence, and an eventual 'no' from in front of him. He groaned again. He could tell it was going to be a long way to go.

A New York citizen stopped and stared, open mouthed, at Nótt. Nótt stared back, unsure of what to do.  
"What the fuck...?" The citizen said, slowly.  
"Lookin' for a huge ship full of highly secretive, untrustworthy assholes, bitch!" Nótt smiled, skipping off. "Oh, and my name's Nótt. Lady Nótt."  
Sif facepalmed. So loud Lorelei heard, and stared at her oddly.  
"Did she just say... 'Hi, I'm Nótt.'?". Sif said, quietly.  
" No, she said 'my name's Nótt.'." Lorelei replied, grinning.  
"I hate you." Sif grumbled.


	13. Chasing Lost Hope

Nótt looked up. She saw the shadowy outline of a goliath, floating ship. A queen among ships.   
"Fuck science!" She cried, before running towards a taking off miniplane headed for the ship.

"OK. Now I think I know where we are." Thalia said, eventually.  
"Go on... Enthrall me." Loki grumbled.  
There was a pause.  
"... Back where we started..." Thalia said after a while.  
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ODIN'S TITTIES!" Loki yelled.

Lorelei scanned the Helicarrier's CCTV.  
"So far no sign of Loki, Thalia, or Nótt." She said, dully, to Sif.  
"Is Nótt even ON the Helicarrier?" Sif asked.  
Lorelei shook her head.  
"Doesn't look like it." She said, still dully.  
"Wait a second..." Sif gasped, pointing to one of the vents. "Is that vent supposed to be shaking?"  
Lorelei looked at it.  
"Turbulence from the Helicarrier being in flight all the time." She said, dismissively.  
She walked off, leaving Sif staring at the CCTV footage.  
"Uh..." Sif said aloud, to herself. "I think I've found Loki and Thalia..."

Nótt successfully ambushed the miniplane, and hopped in the cockpit after throwing the old pilot out of the window.  
"How do you fly these things?" She asked herself, while looking at the controls (and crashing into several New York civilians, several cars, a few buses, and a large coach).

"Couldn't we have just gone the easy way?" Loki asked, pointing to a lift.  
"Ah." Thalia muttered. "That wasn't there before!" She added, quickly.  
The S.H.I.E.L.D agent Lorelei had identified earlier as 'Tia' walked down the hall. She stopped dead when she saw Loki and Thalia.  
"Uh, uh, uh, um, uh..." She gabbled.  
Loki and Thalia looked at each other. This one might take some effort.


	14. Chocks Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I made a really shit joke at the end of this one, but I’m oddly proud of it

"And the death toll rises as a crashed plane veers through New York..." The miniplane's radio blared.  
Nótt looked at the radio port for a few seconds, slowly lowering the miniplane manual from her face.  
"Goodie, I'm on the news." She said, then looked back down at the manual.  
The miniplane proceeded to crash into several more citizens, cars, buses and coaches.

Loki slowly backed away from Tia.  
"Uhhhhhh, uhmmm, ummm, uhhhhhhh..." Tia gabbled. "COULSON!"  
A man with sunglasses on and brown hair raced around the corner.  
"Loki..." He stopped dead in his tracks.  
"I don't have a sceptre, how am I supposed to kill you?" Loki grinned.  
Coulson made a face that meant 'fair play'.  
"Where is it?" He asked.  
Loki rolled his eyes.  
"If I knew, I wouldn't be talking to you." He replied, with the intonation of someone who wanted to leave the Helicarrier and be back in the safety of Asgardia.

"What is she doing?" Sif said to herself, watching the helicopter's view of Nótt.  
Lorelei walked back out, and her eyes popped upon seeing Nótt.  
"I think there may be a match for Fandral..." She whispered.  
Sif laughed, very hard.  
"Very true." She laughed.

Nótt pressed the 'read CD' button on the miniplane's controls. The sound of Panic! At The Disco's 'Miss Jackson' came blaring out of the speakers. Nótt winced, and turned off the CD. She then started humming 'Black Widow' by Iggy Azalea to herself, while still destroying half of New York.

The news was also being displayed on the Helicarrier. Loki, Thalia, Tia and Coulson, were now, instead of arguing, watching Nótt destroy New York. Loki had gotten Coulson to find some popcorn, and they were all eating popcorn whilst watching.  
"I think she's worse than you." Tia said after a while.  
"Yeah." Coulson agreed. "You only destroyed HALF of New York... And she doesn't have an army of rather generic alien enemies to help her out."  
Thalia giggled.  
"What do you call a really shitty, generic alien army?" She asked.  
"I don't know..." Loki replied.  
"The Shitauri!" Thalia cried, triumphantly.


	15. Animal Instincts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Nordic!

Back in Asgardia, Lorelei and Sif were still intently watching the Helicarrier's CCTV. They could see every camera the Helicarrier had, and had soon worked out every dirty secret that S.H.I.E.L.D had ever tried to hide.  
"I still don't see any sign of Nótt." Sif said after a while.  
"Of course, because she's still destroying most of America." Lorelei retorted, pointing at the news.  
"Oh..."

"I'm gonna love ya, gonna love ya, gonna love ya, gonna love ya, like a bla - ooh, hello." Nótt sang, looking at something outside of the miniplane cockpit.  
A large, whale like creature was smashing its way through the streets of New York, not really caring what it hit. Its large fins on the sides of its body tore through the buildings, and several citizens screamed and ran.  
"Oh, you beauty..." Nótt sighed, dazzled by the creature.

Loki spat out his popcorn.  
"There's a Shitau - I mean, Chitauri army attacking New York! And this time you can't blame me!" He cried, hysterical.  
"Um... Isn't that your sister?" Tia asked, pointing at Nótt, who had somehow climbed onto the back of the large whale, and was riding it, casually, through New York.  
Loki's jaw dropped. As did Thalia's.

"Is she RIDING A LEVIATHAN?" Sif hollered, watching the news.  
"Naawwww, 'cuz that's obviously a horse..." Lorelei retorted in a voice dripping with sarcasm.  
The two of them stared at the news, until Fandral came out, and his eyes popped.  
"My god, she's been at the mead. She's going to blow! Chocks away! Doom! Doom! The end is nigh!" He yelled.  
"Fandral, shut up!"

Nótt was really enjoying herself on the back of the Leviathan. She was holding on to it tightly, and it was obeying her every move. If she leaned left, it would move left. If she leaned right, it would move right. If she leaned forward, it would move down. If she leaned backward, it would move up.   
"Yeeeeehawww!" Nótt cried.  
Just then, Nótt saw the Leviathan's left eye as it moved left. In that one, perfect moment, she knew they were equals - and she knew that they would be good friends everlasting.  
"You need a name..." She said, slowly. "What do you think of Nordic?"  
The Leviathan gave a loud growl. Nótt nodded.  
"Nordic it is." She smiled.   
A large Chitauri ship pulled out in front of Nótt and Nordic. Nótt patted Nordic's huge body gently.  
"Get 'em, Nordic!" She cried.  
And on those words, the massive Nordic lunged forward, and air-swam towards the freaking-out Chitauri.


	16. Sound The Alarm

Nordic's huge body tore through the Chitauri's defences, and decapitated several of them. Nótt shrieked with glee as Chitauri heads rained down upon the citizens of New York.  
"It's rainin' heads, hallelujah!"

Tia got up, and went to go and find some files. Coulson, Loki and Thalia stayed watching Nótt and Nordic's assault on the Chitauri.  
"If only we had sound..." Coulson grumbled.  
"Oh, trust me, you do not want to hear what she says." Loki said, very quickly.  
"I second that." Thalia added.

The Chitauri started fighting back, and Nordic was hit with plasma blasts several times in the side and neck. He couldn't feel it, due to his hard armour/skin, but Nótt was still shocked.  
"Stop hittin' mah baby!" She yelled.  
All of a sudden, all the Chitauri dropped their weapons, and there was a loud 'clang' behind Nótt (still on Nordic's huge body). Nótt looked around.  
"Sif?" 

"Sif, do me proud..." Lorelei hissed, back in Asgardia.  
"I'm trying to kill the Chitauri..." Sif said, through gritted teeth. "But I fear Thalia may be right."  
"In what way?" Lorelei asked, surprised.  
"They're so easy to kill, I fear she may be right in calling them the 'Shitauri'."

The feared, formidable, yet somewhat laughable Iron Legion (voiced by J.A.R.V.I.S) landed in the Aesir palace. Hogun, Volstagg, Lorelei, Odin and Frigga gasped. Fandral was too unconscious to gasp.  
"Oh, Hel no!" Hogun yelled, charging at the 1,000-robot legion.  
Lorelei dropped Loki's staff.  
"Shit just got real..."


	17. In Loyalty We Trust

The Aesir charged toward the 1,000-robot Iron Legion, who were all pathetically parroting "this quadrant is unsafe, please step back. This is for your own safety". Surprisingly, even Heimdall joined in the assault. One of many assaults. Assaults to save Asgardia.

Sif's huge sword ripped through the Chitauri, and Nordic's huge body ripped through the gunships piloted by the Chitauri, causing more heads to rain down upon them. Nótt was really starting to enjoy herself, and Sif just looked quite casual, tearing her enemies to shreds.

"Oh my god..." Tia said, stepping back into the room.  
"Yeah..." Thalia agreed.  
Loki grinned.  
"It sounds like my idea of a party." He said, innocently.

"Get..." Hogun grunted, tearing an Iron Legion to pieces.  
"The..." Fandral cried, whacking into a lamppost.  
"Fuck..." Lorelei winced, as an Iron Legion's pulse beam hit her in the chest.  
"Out..." Heimdall finished, obliterating several Iron Legion robots with his whacking great sword.  
"Alright, good work, all..." Hogun said, panting and sweating, before the next wave of Iron Legion robots swathed in. "Let's just... Not come in to work tomorrow."

"Well, we should probably go and help." Thalia said, standing up.  
Coulson stuck up a hand.  
"Wait!" He shouted.  
Thalia and Loki stopped walking, and turned to look at Tia and Coulson.  
"Could we help you?"


	18. Intelligence

Heimdall was showing off his huge amount of prowess, to the Aesir's huge advantage. No Iron Legion robot going within Heimdall's ten metre radius would survive. Heimdall was making it pretty clear that they weren't welcome.  
"Keep going, guys!" Lorelei yelled over the din. "Wear them down!"  
Hogun grunted and shoved a particularly heavy Iron Legion robot off the top of the Aesir palace, which crashed into several other Iron Legion robots fighting on the battlements. In a surprising joint effort, Fandral and Heimdall cleared an entire wave of Iron Legion robots in just five minutes - which was the time it was taking for the rest of the Assault Squads to kill a single robot.  
"Nearly... There..." Heimdall growled.  
The Aesir, all in unison, gave one final standing cry, and managed to take down the rest of the robots. Lorelei collapsed, sweating, panting, and bleeding profusely, Hogun sat down, tired out of his skull, Fandral stayed where he was, wavering a little on his feet, and Heimdall leaned against his mammoth sword, unable to stand up any straighter.  
"Good... Job..." Hogun croaked.  
A flash of lightning engulfed Asgardia. It wasn't Thor returning... It was the start of the second major battle to defend Asgardia. Chitauri soldiers, armed to the teeth, and more Leviathans, alongside Frost Giants, Frost Beasts and Dark Elves, swarmed into Asgardia.   
"Alright... Back to work..." Lorelei groaned. She got to her feet, but then collapsed, unconscious, on the cold stone floor of the Aesir Palace battlements.  
The rest of the Assault Squad looked terrified, enraged, angry, and concerned.   
"Let's show these bitches not to mess with us!" Heimdall growled.  
"Until Asgardia ends... Assault Squad kicks ass!" Hogun yelled.  
The Aesir cheered, and, lead by Heimdall, charged towards their age old enemies.  
The battle was on.


	19. Determination

There was chaos on board Nordic as Nótt and Sif attempted to fight off the Chitauri.  
"How are they so hard to get rid of, when they're so easy to kill?" Sif grunted, knocking out ten of the attackers.  
"I... Have... No... Idea..." Nótt gasped, currently in a choke-hold by one of the soldiers. "But... I... Can't... Breathe..."  
Sif swung her huge sword into the soldier strangling Nótt.  
"Better?" She asked, smiling sweetly, before slapping Nótt in the face.  
"WHAT THE FUCK, SIF!?!?" Nótt yelled.  
Sif just smiled sweetly, and went back to her Chitauri genocide. Eventually, the Chitauri army began to wear thin, and Nordic began to show signs of getting tired. With one last shove, Sif took out the last of the Chitauri, with a little help from an exhausted Nordic.  
"Should we... Stop somewhere...?" Sif panted.  
"GRROOAAWWRRRR..." Nordic agreed.   
"How about that huge, empty building over there?" Nótt suggested, pointing to an empty Helicarrier hangar.  
Sif nodded, and Nordic let out a roar of agreement. Nordic maneuvered his gigantic body to fit snugly into the Helicarrier hangar, and within five minutes, was fast asleep. Nótt and Sif used the old Helicarrier pulleys to lift a tarpaulin over Nordic's huge body, to keep him at least slightly warm.  
"Where do we sleep?" Nótt asked.  
"Over here!" Sif shouted, pointing at a repair shop.  
Inside, there were metal and wooden benches, spanners, welding equipment, and toolboxes. Sif arranged two metal benches and a couple of sturdy metal support beams to make a sort of bunk bed. She then placed two toolboxes at the end of the 'beds' to act as pillows.  
"A little uncomfortable, but it'll have to do." She said, placing her sword (and main armour) gently on the floor beside the beds.  
"You're a genius, Sif." Nótt smiled. Sif smiled back.  
For a couple of hours, all that could be heard was the strangely gentle snoring of the huge Nordic. Nótt ran outside of the repair shop, past Nordic, and out to the city.   
"Alright, Sif... Time to shut up shop." She yelled, seeing the dark sky.  
Using the pulleys once more, Nótt and Sif closed the hangar door. Sif raced to an old café, and began to heat up some stale, but still perfectly edible sandwiches. After an improvised tea, Nótt and Sif went back to the repair shop. Sif closed the huge door to the shop, and both climbed onto their respective bunks.  
"Goodnight, Lady Sif." Nótt said, yawning, and pulling a tarpaulin over herself.  
"Goodnight, Lady Nótt." Sif replied, doing the same.  
Within seven minutes, the two Aesir, so used to the easy life, were asleep, for the first of many very hard, but enjoyable, nights away from Asgardia.


	20. Star Sign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m actually losing braincells going back through this  
> This is nothing but crack  
> Holy shit
> 
>  
> 
> Also yeah sorry about the Lotasha at the end there  
> It was either Natasha or Nótt

On board the Helicarrier, Loki, Thalia, Tia and Coulson were hard at work (together, which was surprising), trying to find a way back into Asgardia... And get Loki's staff while they were at it.  
"So... Is it likely the Bifröst would have been blocked or closed?" Tia asked, riffling through files, attempting to find her research on Asgardia.  
"Theoretically, there is no possible way for the Bifröst to get blocked." Thalia replied, without looking away from the S.H.I.E.L.D computer.  
"Closed, then?" Tia retried.  
"Hm, maybe. If Heimdall's too busy to open it." Thalia replied, keeping her eyes on the computer.  
The next few hours were spent by the group bickering amongst themselves about the Bifröst, Heimdall's availability, the assault, Sif's boobs, and Lorelei's annoying incompetence. The lab door creaked open, slowly, and a hand placed itself gently on Loki's shoulder. It very gently pulled him out of the lab, and, amazingly, neither Tia, Thalia nor Coulson noticed. The lab door was then very slowly closed.

In the corridor, Loki's sparkling emerald eyes stared into the eyes of Natasha Romanoff. He looked more than a little confused.  
"What... Why... Who... Where... How...?" He stuttered.  
Natasha laughed a little.  
"You sound like an English teacher." She smiled. "Anyway, I'm here to help you find Nótt and Sif, and get back to your home."  
Loki tilted his head unnaturally to the left.  
"Why would you do that?" He asked, confused.  
"Well... What are you doing here, still?" Natasha asked him, a small smile playing on her face.  
Loki smiled sadly.  
"I've got some red in my ledger." He began. "I... I'd like to wipe it out..."  
"But... Can you? Can you really wipe out that much red?" Natasha asked, smiling sadly as well.  
"I know... I killed a lot of people in New York... But that -- " Loki started.  
"That wasn't the real you." Natasha finished his sentence.  
Then, the most surprising thing happened - Loki kissed Natasha. It was very short, granted - but a kiss nonetheless.  
"Thank you..." Loki said. "For... Understanding."

Shortly, it was back to work for the group, with the Lord of Mischief back with the three people he'd spent the past two weeks with. Natasha joined them, and, together, they made a plan, to get back to Asgardia and kick the intruders out (after finding Nótt and Sif). When the stars were aligned, that was their sign to put their plan into action.


	21. Rising Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's Deadpool for literally no good reason

The exhausted Aesir soldiers backed away from the oncoming hoard of enemies. Several dropped everything and ran.  
"Well, then... Any more bright ideas?" Lorelei asked Heimdall, sarcastically.  
"No... Not really." Heimdall replied, taking down fifty enemies in one swift sword swing.  
Lorelei looked at the floor.  
"Then we're fucked." She said, quietly.  
Suddenly, the sound of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl", shortly followed by Star Wars' "The Imperial March" blared from somewhere inside the Aesir Palace.  
"Fucking hell, Odin..." Hogun muttered, turning to face the palace.  
But, sitting casually atop the Aesir Palace, instead of Odin - was... Deadpool?  
 **Oh, hey everyone! Didn't think I'd show up here, did ya? Well, surprise!**

Just as Loki, Thalia, Tia, Coulson and Natasha were about to hop aboard a Quinjet, a large Chitauri missile hit the Helicarrier's fourth engine - blowing it up, and knocking everyone back about twenty feet. The twisted face of Malekith stared at the group.  
"Lord, you Midgardians and Aesir are disgusting. Like... Like Odin and Laufey got a little confident and decided to fuck each other's wives." He spat.  
"Yeah, well, you look like Fandral face-fucked a contour map of Iceland." Loki replied, in an instant.  
Not too surprisingly, the next five hours onboard the diving Helicarrier were spent trying to get the Helicarrier stable again (successfully achieved) and Loki and Malekith bickering about who's associates had had sex with who.


	22. Love’s Labour’s Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> l made Loki a player, I forgot that too

"Oh, this is ridiculous." Malekith muttered, after a while. The Helicarrier had stopped diving, and was in a stable state, but Tia, Coulson, Thalia and Loki were still quite shaken.  
"I... I second it." Tia said, from somewhere near the edge of the Helicarrier.  
Malekith ignored her. Loki looked over at Coulson, and gave an imperceivable wink. Coulson winked back, and in a split second, Malekith had gone flying off the edge of the Helicarrier, blasted back by Coulson's huge bazooka gun missile thing.  
"Good... Good job." Loki grinned.  
Coulson grinned back.  
"That's quite the compliment from the Lord of Mischief." He grinned.  
"Yes, it is... Enjoy it while it lasts, Son of Coul." Loki replied, watching the falling Malekith.

Later on, when everyone had been found from various parts of the Helicarrier, and they'd all had the blood cleaned off them, Loki retreated to his part of the Helicarrier. He lay awake in his bed for a while, wondering if he'd like to be a hero. Yes, being a happy go lucky, tricking villain was incredibly fun, but... There was a part of him, that, strangely, wanted to be a hero. He knew his and Coulson's little trick had saved countless people on board the Helicarrier, and also in New York (if the Helicarrier was attacked again, that'd be a lot of people dying). He was thinking about this for a while, until there was a knock at his door. He sat bolt upright - and then relaxed when he saw it was Thalia.  
"Hi." He said, slowly.  
"Hey." She replied, sitting gently on the end of his bed.  
"How can I help you?" Loki asked her.  
Thalia turned to look Loki in the eyes.  
"In all honesty, I have no idea." She replied.  
"Then why are you here?"  
"I... I guess I didn't want you to be alone."  
There was silence for a few moments, before Loki spoke.  
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you..." He said, slowly.  
Thalia smiled.  
"Oh, I already know." She replied. "I'm honoured. Truly."  
"Well...?" Loki asked, with a grin.  
Thalia took his hand, and stood up.  
"Yes." She smiled, and with that, he kissed her.


	23. Kingdom Come

**So, while our heroes were having bitch fights in the Helicarrier, yours truly, the sexiest man alive, was making out with a banana. Oh, shit, no... Look away child! LOOK AWAY!**   
_Cough cough. Thank you, Deadpool._

Back in Asgardia, the rather bemused Aesir were staring up at Deadpool, sitting, quite casually, atop the Aesir Palace.  
"What in Hel's name is wrong with him?" Hogun hissed to Lorelei.  
"I don't know... Is he related to Fandral?" Lorelei hissed back.  
"Why do you ask?" Hogun hissed.  
"Because he's stoned." Lorelei hissed back.  
"I'm stoned? Me? Stoned?" Deadpool repeated, staring down at Lorelei, Heimdall, Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg, and Odin. "No, I'm not stoned... Just thirsty for blood."  
Hogun and Lorelei exchanged glances.  
"Um, excuse me, good sir!" Lorelei called to Deadpool.  
"What the fuck is it, Little Miss Lord Fucker?" Deadpool called back.  
"May you be, in any way, related to the... Ah, esteemed gentleman you see next to you?" Lorelei called, her face turning crimson.  
Deadpool stared at Volstagg.  
"Oh, fuck no! I'm not related to Old Hobo over there!" He shrieked back.  
"No... I meant... The stoned one..." Lorelei called, faltering.  
"Stoned as in high, or as in wasted?"   
"Um... I'm having to guess wasted."  
"Then no."  
"Drat."  
Lorelei looked back at Hogun.  
"Your move." She said, quietly.  
"Good sir!" Hogun yelled.  
"What the fuck is it, Fat Controller?" Deadpool yelled back.  
"Might you have been binge watching a Midgardian programme known as 'Supernatural'?" Hogun asked, his face turning crimson.  
"I'm not a fucking nerd!" Deadpool yelled.  
The Aesir hung their heads.  
"Try again..." Heimdall said, gritting his teeth.

Just when the Aesir were finally getting somewhere, Malekith appeared just outside the Observatory. A lot of bombs, explosions, missiles, and more explosions, followed in his path. All of the Aesir were knocked back into walls, or if there were no walls, large expanses of water. Lorelei hung on tightly to the edge of the Bifröst Bridge, and hoped extremely hard that the pissed off Malekith wouldn't find her quivering body. Malekith opened a portal, from which several dozen Svartelfheimian soldiers raced out of, and... Deadpool ran into, hollering "He's going to get me! Nyyyyaaaa!" whilst also sticking his tongue out of his mouth and pulling it back in, repeatedly, making a noise like a dripping icecream machine.

A thunderclap sounded just outside the Helicarrier. Loki groaned, but all the same, walked outside the main area, onto the main dock, to find Thor standing there.  
"Brother! You are a faker! You faked your own death!" Thor cried.  
"What death?" Loki asked, looking genuinely confused.  
"When Stark took you here, evidently." Thor replied.  
"Ah. Yes, well, you're faker than Kim Kardashian's plastic ass." Loki replied, grinning.  
Thalia walked outside, and showed Loki and Thor her tablet screen.  
"Maybe we should find a way back to Asgardia now..."


	24. It’s Dark Inside

After Deadpool had run screaming into the Svartelfheimian portal, the Aesir were all debating their options. Doom or possible doom? It seemed impossible for them to all survive, especially as the Chitauri, Leviathans, Frost Giants and Frost Beasts were running rampart as well as the Dark Elves. Just when they were about to surrender, they heard Heimdall yell "yahoo!" and turned around. Heimdall was riding a Frost Beast - that hadn't killed him (for some reason).  
"What the fuck..." Hogun muttered, under his breath. "Heimdall, you've officially cracked."  
The Dark Elves took one look at the Frost Beast, and scarpered (ran/legged it) to the other side of Asgardia. Heimdall rode the Frost Beast to a slow stop by Hogun, and jumped off.  
"Milano, go wait in the palace." He ordered the beast. It ran off, into the Aesir Palace.  
"Are you FUCKING crazy?!?!" Hogun yelled, after Heimdall pulled him up.  
"Maybe a little. Aren't we all?" Heimdall smiled, a mischievous glimmer in his yellowy eyes.  
Hogun looked at the floor.  
"So what do we do about the portal?" He asked.  
"Forget about the portal for now. We need to find the rest of them." Heimdall replied.  
"OK." Hogun said, nonchalantly, and grabbed Volstagg's axe from where it lay, whilst walking off, following Heimdall's lead.

"Oh my lord..." Loki said, watching Thalia's tablet.  
"Yeah. They've teamed up in their thousands to assault us." Thalia grimaced.  
Thor looked carefully at Thalia's tablet.  
"Is that a portal to Svartelfheim?" He asked.  
Loki and Thalia peered at it.  
"Yes." Loki said, slowly, after a while.  
"Shouldn't we... Close it?" Thor asked.  
"We can try... But it's dark inside Asgardia now... They've blocked out the sun..." Thalia replied, with a sad expression playing on her face.  
Loki and Thor stared at Thalia, horrified.  
"We have to go back... But there's no way we all get through it..." Thalia said, sadly.  
"I have no plans tomorrow night." Loki smiled, sadly.

Back in Asgardia, the ice was beginning to form, and the snow was beginning to fall, as the hordes of enemies rained down upon the hapless Aesir. Sif and Nótt had since reappeared, on the back of the gigantic Nordic, who had gone to rest with Milano. They'd also rescued all but Lorelei, who was still clinging on to the edge of the Bifröst.  
"Guys!" Nótt yelled. "I've found Lorelei!"  
The party hared over, and Heimdall took Lorelei's left hand.  
"OK, I'll pull you up." He said, gently.  
Lorelei was shaking with both fear and the cold. Heimdall had nearly got her back on the Bifröst when a black foot stomped down on his hand and Lorelei's. Lorelei was hanging on for dear life, with one hand on the Bifröst. Heimdall punched Malekith in the face, and the two fought each other (Heimdall attempting to drive him back while the others saved Lorelei). Lorelei's fingers slipped.  
"LORELEI!" Sif yelled, as Lorelei plummeted towards the now frozen lake underneath the Bifröst.


	25. One Down...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol rip Lorelei

The huge Nordic flew by and caught the plummeting Lorelei just before she hit the ice, safely placing her down on the ice. The shaken Lorelei thanked the huge Leviathan, and got to her feet, slipping once or twice, but nonetheless walking on ice.   
"Oh, thank the Leviathan..." Sif gasped, relieved.  
There was celebration on the Bifröst - but that was to be short-lived. Malekith jumped off the Bifröst, and landed next to Lorelei, with no injuries.   
"We shall fight to the end... And damned be he who first cries 'Hold, enough!'" Lorelei cried.  
"Very well." Malekith replied. "I accept."  
The fighting between Lorelei and Malekith continued for quite some time, before a huge, ear shattering scream pierced Asgardia, and shattered some of the ice. Sif jumped off the Bifröst, landing near Lorelei and Malekith, and got up, brushing off her knees. Malekith's huge Svartelfheimian sword/staff thing was sticking out of Lorelei's chest at a cruel angle. After being whacked in the face by Heimdall, Malekith quickly pulled the sword/staff out, causing another ear shattering scream to erupt, shattering more ice. Heimdall, Hogun, Volstagg, Fandral and Nótt all charged toward Malekith, each dealing deadly blows to his commanders, and each attempting to inflict some damage upon Malekith himself.  
"Lorelei..." Sif said, slowly, holding back tears.  
Lorelei had fallen into Sif's arms, and she had a large crimson patch on her dress, where Malekith's weapon had pierced her body. Her breathing was extremely shaky, making her entire body shake violently.  
"I - I - I'm - I'm sorry -" Lorelei gasped, unable to speak without her breathing suddenly shaking harder.  
"It's OK, Lorelei." Sif said, smiling slightly.   
"N - N - No - It - It's - It's - It's not -" Lorelei gasped.  
Sif gently put one bloodied hand on Lorelei's cheek gently.  
"You did your best. I'll tell Odin what you've done here today." She smiled, sadly.  
"I - I - I - I did - I didn't - Do - Do it - For - For - For him -" Lorelei gasped.  
Sif smiled sadly at Lorelei, who was still shaking badly. The hand that Lorelei had put over her wound was now covered in crimson blood, as well as the hand that Sif was holding Lorelei's hand with.  
"Go - Go - Good - Good - Goodnight - La - La - Lady - Sif -" Lorelei gasped.  
Sif just gently stroked Lorelei's cheek. Lorelei's shaking breathing levelled out, and she breathed in - to breathe out her final breath. Her eyelids slowly closed, and Sif felt the body in her arms go limp. Asgardia's finest sorceress... Was no more.


	26. Heathens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can just imagine Hip™ Odin walking past and going “you damn heathens!” at Loki and squad  
> I need help
> 
> Enjoy the obligatory we-need-to-make-a-joke-about-Strange’s-name joke

Still reeling from Lorelei's death, Sif shakily stood up, and walked over to the group. They all stood in silence for a few moments, with only the noise of Malekith destroying Asgardia in the background, until a portal opened, and a black haired, blue suited, red cloaked man walked out.  
"What the..." Hogun gasped. "Are you one of Loki's illusions?"  
Loki snorted.  
"Don't be as stupid as I believe you to be, Hogun..." He grinned.  
Turning to the man, he continued.  
"Stephen." He grinned.  
"Loki." The man replied.  
Loki grinned, both mischievously and warmly, at Stephen.  
"What's your last name?" He asked. "You never told me."  
Stephen shuffled a little on his boots.  
"It's... Strange." He replied.  
"Is it?" Loki asked. "OK."  
"It can't be that bad!" Fandral yelled. "Loki's is Laufeyson, so..."  
Loki, without even glancing in Fandral's direction, released a bolt of energy from his sceptre that sent Fandral flying off the Bifröst. For a few minutes, all that could be heard (ignoring Malekith) was "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!".  
" Anyway." Loki said.  
"Yes. Let us destroy what needs to be destroyed, trip everyone out of their minds, and take back Asgardia!" Stephen declared.  
They all cheered.  
"Oh, Hel... We're all going to be Fandral..." Hogun muttered.


	27. In Mischief We Trust

The assault started quite early in the morning. While the Aesir (and Strange) were extremely tired, they were also determined to get Malekith out of their realm (or possible holiday attraction, for Strange). Many wounds were sustained by both sides, and the incessant "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" continued as the wars did. Eventually, Malekith and Loki came face to face.  
"Who do you trust more, trickster?" Malekith asked, his face contorted.  
"What do you mean?" Loki asked, visibly confused.  
"I mean, who do you trust more... Those who betrayed you, or we, who know how to treat you?" Malekith spat.  
Loki paused. He clearly didn't want to answer, for fear of angering both sides.  
"I think he might be playing both sides." Kurse growled in the background.  
Malekith yelled something in Svartelfheimian, and Kurse was thrown off the Bifröst. Loki didn't move. The assault continued, and eventually, a yell of "I think I'm trippin', brah!" could be heard, shortly followed by "weeeeeeeeeee!". Neither Loki nor Malekith batted an eyelid, and just continued staring intently at each other.  
" You have nice eyes." Loki said after a while.  
"... Thank you..." Malekith said, pausing. "I... So do you... Very dusky, and --"  
Loki, very quickly, pulled out his spear, and whacked Malekith hard over the head with it, causing him to go flying, and land near the Observatory.  
"I say, good shot!" Fandral yelled, and then resumed his "weeeeeeeeeeee!".  
Loki winked in Fandral's general direction, and then, seeing Malekith stand up groggily, fired off a bolt from the sceptre that hit Malekith squarely in the chest.  
"I am Loki Odinson..." Loki growled.  
There was a small gasp from behind Loki, which he ignored.  
"And I will not rest until this realm is free of you!" He finished.  
The Aesir (and Strange) cheered, and with renewed strength, fought on.


	28. For Asgardia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one’s slightly gross  
> Sorry

The Aesir (with Strange) and Svartelfheimian kept up their attack. It was undisturbed, apart from Fandral's "weeeeeeeeeee!" in the background. Eventually, that got so distracting that Strange went to have a look - and vomited behind one of Asgardia's pillars. He came back to the group, slowly, face still green.  
"Don't look at Fandral..." He said, slowly. "Lord, that wasn't pleasant."  
The Aesir looked at Fandral anyway. He'd hit the ice covering underneath the Bifröst quite hard, and was a mangled heap on the ice, still yelling "weeeeeeeeeee!". He didn't seem too badly hurt, other than the evident broken bones, possible broken back, and maybe broken neck to boot. Loki vomited quietly behind the group, and then went back to staring at Fandral. One of the Aesir healers restored Fandral to full health, but then punched him in the face to shut him up. The Aesir shrugged, and carried on fighting the Svartelfheimian. 

All of a sudden, another portal opened, and Deadpool raced out, looking quite mangled. He was nowhere near as bad as Fandral had been, but still quite bloody. He healed almost instantly, causing Strange, who was about to vomit, to swallow his vomit. Strange looked like he was about to vomit nine times over.  
"What... The hell do we do now?!?!" Hogun yelled over the noise of the battles.  
"I don't know!" Sif yelled back.  
"Why the fuck are we fucking yelling?!" Deadpool cried.

After a further nine painful hours, a boom of thunder could be heard in Asgardia. It shattered some of the ice, and made Loki's face droop. Thor had arrived, at long last.  
"For Asgardia!" Loki yelled.  
"For Asgardia!" The Aesir (and Strange) cheered.  
The fight continued, and Thor flew over.  
"The valour of battle is crying your names!" He yelled.  
Asgardia fell deadly silent.  
"For Asgardia!" Thor yelled.  
Heimdall facepalmed.  
"We just said that..." Loki grimaced.  
Nonetheless, the fight of legends was on.


	29. Boom Shock-a-laka

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloop have fun with that bombshell
> 
> I think I’ve actually lost all braincells I may have had remaining

Back onboard the Helicarrier, Tia and Coulson were busy trying to figure out how to get into Asgardia. Tia had already killed nineteen Dark Elves that had tried attacking the Helicarrier, but more just kept coming. It was an onslaught of extra-realmial enemies. But what was a bit of a surprise to Tia and Coulson was that a Dark Elf was aiding them... In killing Dark Elves.  
"Uhhhh... Why are you killing your own people?" Coulson asked, eventually.  
"Son of Coul. I have known of you for a while. And I do not wish to be with these freaks any longer." The Dark Elf replied.  
Coulson shot a quick 'oh, lord, help me' look at Tia, then looked back at the Dark Elf.  
"Do... You have a name?" He asked.  
"Brett." The Dark Elf replied. "And I'm half Aesir.".  
Coulson nodded, and took Brett's outstretched hand, to shake it.  
"Coulson. Full Midgardian. But you can call me Phil." He said, shaking Brett's hand.  
Brett nodded.  
"It is good to meet you, Phil." He smiled.  
Together, Tia, Coulson and Brett launched a huge attack on the Dark Elves, which left them with declining numbers, and no generals. They fled, only to be replaced by Chitauri.  
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Tia yelled. "It had to be the Shitauri!".

Later on, when the trio had finally found somewhere safe in the Helicarrier (to discuss their plans), they set about making a plan of what they would do, where, and when. The Helicarrier was just about keeping itself in the air, thanks to backup generators and dedicated maintenance staff, but the trio didn't quite know what to do.  
"Well, if you think about it, the Shit - I mean Chitauri - come from this weird galaxy dimension, and they're all brainless mothership drones. If we destroy the mothership..." Tia put forward.  
"But then what about the Frost Beasts, Frost Giants, and Dark Elves? Destroying the Chitauri mothership would kill off any Chitauri or Leviathan, except for that one Nótt had, because it's had human/Aesir contact." Coulson asked.  
"That's a good point..." Tia replied, sinking into a huge amount of thought.  
"I can take the Dark Elves. Maybe if you found Loki, he could take the Jotuns? He is one himself." Brett answered.  
Coulson nodded.  
"Done." He said, simply.  
Tia nodded, and left, to get some coffee.  
"Who... Who's your father, if you don't mind me asking?" Coulson asked Brett.  
"Mine?" Brett asked.  
"Yes." Coulson replied.  
"Fandral."


	30. Karma

Brett, without warning, unleashed a blast of Dark Energy at the oncoming swathe of Chitauri, vaporising them instantly. Coulson and Tia only suffered small Dark Energy burns. They both stared at Brett, confused, shocked, and in awe. Brett looked back and grinned.  
"Karma's a bitch." He said, grinning.

In Asgardia, the lords were having trouble making their minds up. They couldn't decide whether to stay as a team and fight, or go off on their own. Either method could result in several needless deaths. Malekith had kindly taken time out of attacking them to berate Nótt on her attack strategy, giving the Aesir a little bit of an advantage. They'd used it wisely, and were now perched on the very edge of the top of the Aesir Palace (needlessly) like Spider-Man. Deadpool had made that joke several times already.   
"I can't believe he's still lecturing her on how to attack people..." Sif said, after a while.  
"Probably wants good karma." Hogun mused.  
"Isn't he supposed to be trying to kill us?" Sif asked.  
"Ehhhhhh... Yes, but if he wants to berate Nótt, let him, because then he isn't killing us." Loki said, with a small grin.  
Sif shot daggers at him with her eyes. Loki returned the gesture by sticking his middle fingers up at her, to which Deadpool cried with glee.  
"Back to the task at hand..." Heimdall said, weakly. He'd been shot in the gut by a Dark Elf, and, after calling it a little shit, collapsed. Climbing on the Aesir Palace (and balancing precariously on a ledge like Spider-Man) may have been a bit too much for him.  
"When is he going to stop lecturing her?" Sif groaned.  
A little while later, Malekith bitchslapped Nótt in the face, and made a gesture, which prompted several Dark Elves to recontinue attacking Asgardia.  
"Ooh, bad karma..." Hogun winced.  
"Karma's a bitch!" Fandral yelled.  
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hogun yelled back.

Brett looked at a photo of his father, Fandral, back in the Helicarrier. He mused over the possibility of Fandral knowing he existed for a while, but then smiled to himself, despite the deep sadness he felt in his heart. His mother had been murdered by Malekith, and his father didn't even know he existed. But, then he remembered - Karma's a bitch.


	31. Agent L. Laufeyson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a cliffhanger this will be left on forevermore

"Hold on." Loki said, suddenly appearing to remember something. "I'll be right back.". With that, he teleported out of Asgardia.  
Sif, Fandral, Hogun, Deadpool and Heimdall stared at where Loki had been. They all jumped when Loki teleported back, grabbed his helmet, and teleported out again.  
"Oh, man... I think I'm high." Hogun groaned.  
"Fuck you." Heimdall muttered.  
"Fuck my life, more like... Babysitting Fandral isn't easy, you know!" Hogun cried, shrilly.  
Sif snorted at the phrase 'babysitting Fandral', but promptly stopped after seeing the look on Hogun's face.

Loki appeared, in all his golden armoured, green suited, reindeer horned glory, in the middle of the Helicarrier.  
"You called?" He asked Coulson, who was shocked he'd shown up.  
"Uh, yes, I did, about that... Hm, yes, very nice..." Coulson gabbled.  
Tia groaned, and Brett slapped Coulson in the face. There was an audible smacking sound, followed by an "Ooooooouch" from Coulson.  
"Thanks." Coulson said, to Brett. "I needed that.".  
" You... Called...?" Loki growled.  
Coulson turned around faster than Loki could say 'For Asgardia'.  
"Yes, I did. We've been thinking... For all you've done for us... We'd like to recruit you to the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." He said, slowly.  
"Which may or may not be a suicidal move." Tia muttered. Brett just about managed to contain his laughter.  
"I accept." Loki said, with a moment's dubious hesitation.  
"Great!" Coulson replied. It was an awkward few moments, before he eventually said; "Go back to whatever you were doing, then... Agent... Agent L. Laufeyson...".

Loki turned down the stairs, and into the detention centre. It was his cell, after all - if the Hulk tried getting into it, big green gorilla that he was, Loki would take a leaf out of Wanda Maximoff's book, and mind-rape him until he got knocked out by Tony Stark. Loki took a deep breath, and his armour took on an ebony hue; his cape turned the colour of blackest night; his green suit became a dark blue; and his sceptre took on the same hue as his armour. Loki smiled at his own reflection. It was a new dawn, a new day - a new life for him, and he was an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all predictions, theories and stuff you like to be made in the comments.
> 
> Scream over Endgame with me on Twitter @AlexSpiddleston  
> But do it in DMs please, don’t be an asshole and ruin it for others.


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